The Assignment
by Princesh
Summary: Following there hearts through an English Assignment
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

The hardest thing in anyone's life is to love with all your heart and have the person you love… not reciprocate. Sometimes it's even harder when they do reciprocate because then you know how much they love you and it makes it harder to make any mistakes.

I walk through the halls of Degrassi on a daily basis and see the person I loved and I honestly thought she loved me too… and I guess to a point she did but maybe my mistakes were just too much for her. I look around and see my best friend Adam interacting with all of these girls that he's constantly crushing on and know that can't be me.

"Hey dude! How are you feeling?" He looks at me like I'm a leper now because of the things I've done… my actions in the past year. Between Fitz, driving my car into a wall, breaking up with Clare and sabotaging the play… maybe I deserve it.

"I'm good. Just getting by day by day as the doc prescribed." I smile as he smiles and high fives me. It will never be as it was but maybe it can be better. We walk into English class and take our seats just as I hear a giggle… and there she is… again. I see her smile with him… her eyes glittering as they used to with me and I cringe hoping nobody sees. She takes her seat behind me and I keep my cool and my eyes forward.

"Class, today we will be working on group assignments. Groups of 2 please. We will be writing journal entries to our partner about our actual feelings and they will be editing them. Now pair up. I will expect at least 5 entries because this project will be for the next week. I also expect them in report form… meaning… neatly done, typed and handed in by next Friday. You have the class time as well as any time needed outside of class to do it."

I turn to Adam… who already has Fiona in his sights… so I guess that's a bust. I know I don't want to turn around because she will be sitting there and staring at me like I'm crazy but of course… I do it anyway. "Hey Clare."

"Hi." She looks down and pulls her hair behind her ear.

"Do you think we could work on this together?" I look at her hopefully… thinking maybe I have a chance to try and at least be her friend again.

"Really, Eli? Do you think we could honestly work on this together? After everything?" She whispers down so nobody can hear her but I feel the eyes staring… "Eli… I just don't think it will work."

"Ok. I won't fight you. It's just that… we work so well together."

"I agree." We both look up as Ms. Dawes steps in. "That is why I think it's a great idea that you two work on this together. It will really pull up your grades and bring out the writing in the two of you I've been waiting for. Good luck on the assignment!"

I smile my crooked grin at Clare as she rolls her eyes and huffs. I know she's upset but what can I do? "We will just work on the assignment. I promise."

"Ok, Eli. It seems like I have no other choice. Let's just get started. The first part doesn't need us working together so you can turn around now."

So I turn… and smile within. I lower my gaze and start my assignment.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Dear Diary,

What's a girl to do in terms of love and life? What's a girl to do when her home life is falling apart and her love life fell apart only to have a band aid put on it? My parents hate each other and my mom's DATING! How can she be dating? What about my dad? What about me? It's as if she is the teenager all over again. Is that fair? Does she even think of my feelings? "We're just friends." The worst lie I can hear every day.

And then… there's Eli. We hurt each other so much in the past few months… is a friendship even worth having? I truly loved him with all of my heart… but he manipulated me into being someone I wasn't and now… I'm not sure who I am. Am I the person who still believes in Jesus and my purity ring? Or am I that girl that Jake likes… the one who's ok with having friends with benefits? I can't say yes or no to either. I thought I was over Eli… but I guess the heart only wants what it can't have at times.

Jake makes me smile… he's handsome and handy and a great kisser but he doesn't recite poetry or Shakespeare. He doesn't look at me as if I'm the only girl in the room. He doesn't give a smile that only I can understand the meaning behind. He doesn't speak to me in French and hold my hand as we walk through the park. He doesn't believe in urban adventures and lying in a hammock. And yet… he doesn't manipulate me and hurt me just to control me either.

Where do I turn? Is this what love is? Is this what life is? I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me… but if I can't figure out what's in front of me now… how will I be able to do it later? "Feels like I'm starting all over again… the last few years were just pretend"

Goodbye to you… Goodbye to everything I knew…

Clare Edwards


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

To Whom It May Concern,

What a year? Let's see… I've been caught hoarding, ran Morty into a wall, was in and out of a relationship with a girl I love, directed a school play that I sabotaged, was almost stabbed, oh yeah… and the best part of all of this was being diagnosed bi-polar.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that my hoarding problem has been taken care of, however now that I walk into my clean room my mind is cluttered with thoughts of the one girl that was there by my side helping me clean. She stayed with me… she held me together like glue when I fell apart right in front of her. How did I manage to push her so far away that she can't even stand the sight of me? Oh yeah… that's right… I'm bi-polar, as the good doc says.

Thanks to the play, Bullfrog and CeCe are now more than aware of my issues and I'm more than grateful for that. They have been incredibly supportive and I couldn't ask for better however… it's still taking a lot of getting used to. I'm used to my freedom and now I have none. They watch my every move… like I'm a hamster trapped in a plastic box running on a wheel or even rose… like I'm a ticking time bomb ready to explode. I don't think I will… I drained myself at the play. I let out all of those feelings I was holding in and now… I'm free. My only regret is hurt I inflicted on those who didn't deserve it… i.e.: Clare and… Imogen.

Clare? Has moved on… and I don't expect her forgiveness because… well I don't really deserve it. After all I put her through I'm shocked she hasn't put a restraining order on me even though in my defense… I was only trying to protect her and look out for her best interest. I guess it wasn't enough.

Imogen? I can't even describe what I did to her or what she did to me, exactly. Half of the time I don't even know if she was there or not but it doesn't excuse the things I've told her or the way I used her. She would make a great friend and even though she wants more… like the good doc says… one day at a time.

"Am I more than you bargained for?"

Number one with a bullet,

Eli Goldsworthy


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I read it… over and over again until my head started spinning. How was I supposed to know he felt this way? My mind drifts away to the nights in the hammock in our special "church". Where did our love go? How did it become so hard?

"Clare! Clare! Snap out of your trance Clare Bear!" Alli stands there snapping her fingers at me looking annoyed, as usual.

"Yes? How can I help you?" Of course I snap back at her… I was having a moment in my mind and she ruined it. We start walking down the hall towards our lockers as our day at Degrassi has just begun. Don't you just love Monday mornings?

"Sorry…How was your weekend with Jake? Any benefits?" She smiles in her own wicked way and I can't help but snicker.

"No benefits. I spent the weekend catching up on some homework and assignments. "I smile as she rolls her eyes. I know Alli's idea of fun is a weekend full of "benefits" however I spend my weekend full of thoughts from Eli's journal entry.

"Well, Johnny came by for the weekend and we went to the movies. It felt like old times." I know she saw my eyes roll because she huffed and continued, "And I know I said I wouldn't give him another chance especially after what happened before but he's changed a lot since he started University and I think it may actually work." She must've seen me roll my eyes again because she didn't stop there. "And after all of the trouble with Drew this year… I think I deserve to be a little happy and maybe even throw Johnny in his face a little."

"Do you really think that's a good idea? I mean… maybe you should just get over Drew and Johnny and move on with someone healthier for you? I mean… they both used you for sex…" I look at her cautiously and I see that look of disgust on her face that I knew was coming.

"I'm sorry they're not as perfect as KC or Eli… oh wait… they weren't perfect were they? Whatever Clare, thanks for understanding." And with that… she was gone. I shook my head and couldn't help but feel sorry for her and myself. KC and Eli weren't perfect but at least Eli respected my wishes of staying a virgin until I was married. He was such a gentleman about it that sometimes I wanted to ravage him… but of course I never told him that. I giggled and smiled to myself and decided despite Alli's bitterness I was going to walk into class laughing at my impure thoughts.

Hands cover my eyes as I walk I get ready to walk into class. "Guess who?"

"A handy man perhaps?" I already know its Jake. His hands are always rough because of the construction work he does… but I guess I don't mind. He spins me around and moves to kiss me but I let it land on my cheek.

"Is something wrong Clare?" I see the worried look on his face and can't seem to find the words to tell him that my heart is elsewhere today.

"We're in school" I look up at him, "And PDA's are not allowed."

He smiles and believes me, "Always the good girl."

"Yeah, that's me. I have to get to class before I'm late. I'll see you at lunch." He smiles again and kisses my cheek. I watch him walk away and then turn to see Eli in his seat with headphones on. His expression doesn't give away if he saw the exchange or not however Adam's sour expression gives away that he definitely saw it. Adam hasn't been the biggest supporter of the break up between Eli and I and I respect that because I know he is Eli's best friend… but I miss my friend too. I sigh and walk to my seat, looking at the floor the entire time.

There's the bell… and Ms. Dawes.

"Class, how have the assignments been? Any comments? Complaints? Responses anyone wants to share?"

I see Adam wink at Fiona and pipe up, "I think this is the best assignment you could've given us. It has let us really reveal ourselves without having to be confrontational. It's awesome!"

The class laughs and I snicker… even Ms. Dawes laughs. "I'm glad class. Ok. I won't interfere. Get to work. Can't wait to read all of the entries!"

Eli turns to me and smirks… with that grin…


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Hey, how was your weekend?" I look at her fully.

She nods and talks… looking down at her paper the entire time, "It was good. Did you do the assignment?"

"Yeah, I did the second part of mine. Did you read the first? Any thoughts?" My mind is too hopeful that she actually read it and understood it.

"I read it. I wrote a few notes but overall it was okay." She looks up for a split second and then glances down again fixating on her paper, "I didn't know that you were bi-polar. You never said anything."

"Would it have changed anything?"

Her blue eyes look up and stare into mine as if lost for words, "I don't know."

"That's why I didn't say anything." I swallowed the fear that was lurking in my throat, "I wanted you to get to know me again for the person I was when you met me." She tilted her head a bit and stared at me. "I'm not expecting anything from you but I want to make up for the problems I caused you before and show you how I've changed."

"Eli… I just… I don't know." She shook her head and I gave up. I didn't want to push her.

"It's okay…" She gazes down again, "Blue eyes." I watch her smirk into her paper. "Okay… how about you give me those notes so I can work on my part of the assignment."

"Sure… "She flips through her papers and hands me back my work with minimal, if any, notes on it. "Did you read mine, Eli?"

"Yeah… and just for the record… I don't go on urban adventures with anyone else." I see the pink flush on her cheeks as she looks down and I place her journal entry on her desk. "I didn't make any notes because it was written from the heart. I figured you could just continue doing that… and not really caring what people think… in the process."

I start working on my next journal entry as the bell rings. "Damn."

She gets up and looks at me, "Did you get any more finished?"

"No, I'm half way there. " I give her my sideways smirk, "If you're not busy… maybe after school we can go to the Dot and work on it together… that way we're not behind."

She looked up at me nervously but nodded, "Ok. I'll meet you by your locker and we can walk over together." She fidgeted with her binder, "Maybe we can talk."

"Ok." I watched her walk out of the room and couldn't help but smile internally. And all of a sudden, butterflies just entered my stomach and I couldn't wait for the day to end… or could I?

I was so entranced by her; I didn't notice Adam come next to me. "Hey dude! You good?"

"Yeah… She agreed to go to the Dot with me." I felt him slap me on the back.

"That's awesome. Isn't it? Isn't this what you wanted? To find a way to talk to her?" He was excited for me but I knew Adam… his excitement also had worry for me. He knew how long I wanted to speak to her but he also knew how far I had come and nobody wanted me to go back to where I was.

"Yeah… I hope so." With that we both walked out and went on with classes… not sure where my smile had gone but it wasn't where it was when she said yes.

* * *

><p>"I said yes Alli!" I put my head on her shoulder in utter confusion. "What was I thinking? What if I'm not ready for this? What if he's not ready for this? What if Jake finds out?" I look up at her, "Oh no! Jake! What am I going to tell him?" I put my head back on her shoulder.<p>

She patted me on my head, "its okay Clare. Just try not to think about it as a date. It's just work. And you're Clare. School's important especially English. Jake knows that. Eli knows that too."

"But Alli, it's not a date. We're just English partners working on an assignment." I looked up at her and finally realized that's what it was and I'm Clare Edwards and I could do this… with Eli… my ex… that maybe I'm still a little bit in love with… even though it ended badly… and he's changed… Ugh!

"Okay Clare, keep thinking like that and you'll be fine."

"You think so?" She bites her lip and gives me a helpless look.

"Well… you don't really have much of a choice… here comes Jake to have lunch with you." I turn around quickly as he approaches with a smile, "And I'm gone. Good Luck Clare Bear!" And with that, she's gone. Great!

"Hey Clare!" He leans down to kiss me on the cheek. "You ready for lunch?"

"Sure, that sounds great." We walk into the lunch room holding hands and of course whose sitting at the first table… Eli, Adam and Fiona.

I try to look away but Jake pulls me toward them. "What are you doing?" I whisper to him.

"We're going to have to deal with them sooner or later, plus they're sitting by the vending machines and I want a pop." He shrugs off my nervousness and I feel my cheeks start to burn and butterflies start to form. Eli knows about Jake and I but there's a difference in knowing and _knowing_… I slyly pull my hand out of Jake's grip as I try to fix my sweater and I know that he notices but there's nothing I can do. I don't want to hide but I don't feel the need to flaunt either… especially after just reading Eli's journal entry.

I look over at Eli, Adam and Fiona and notice they're indulged in a heated discussion and not even paying attention to me… and then in a split second… his eyes catch mine and he smiles my favorite crooked smile. I feel my cheeks getting pink so I tap Jake, "Can we go and talk somewhere please?"

"Ok." He leads me out of the cafeteria and to the garden where JT's memorial is. "What's up Clare?"

I sit on ledge and look down at my skirt, "Jake, you know I like you and I know right now we're just friends…"

He raises a hand to stop me, "Let me stop you there, I know what you're thinking." I shake my head at him but he continues, "You want us to be official right? It's just not what I want right now. I think we have something great going. Who needs all of those strings when we could just be having fun like we are?"

"That's not what I was going to say." Not at all. I don't want to be his fun girl. It just sounds so… so NOT ME. "I was going to say that I like you and it's good to know we're friends because this afternoon at the Dot, Eli and I have a study date and I hope you understand because I didn't say anything when you and Katie had a movie date! Thanks for making this easy. Bye." With that I pick up my book bag and walk out of the garden and into the computer lab. The nerve of him… how could he think that I'd be okay with just being his fun girl? Did I give him that impression? I shake it off and try to get some work done and not think of Jake or Eli… which was hard because I have to write this stupid journal entry.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Dear Diary,

So where do I start? First off… I'm nobody's fun girl! Secondly… I'm now completely lost on all of my feelings towards Eli. Why did I agree to walk with him to the Dot? Why did I agree to this date? He makes me feel so… Flabbergasted! That's the only word to describe how I feel.

My mind is a blank. He tells me everything… about his feelings… his love… his inadequateness… his insecurities… his drug problem… and finally about his therapy sessions and how I helped him get over his problems. I don't know how to take that. I noticed in his eyes as he spoke that they weren't words to make me come back to him but they were words of honesty and truth. But what do I do with them? I rarely spoke because all I could was listen and watch him. He always spoke with such enthusiasm but I found out that all of it was drowned out by his depression. I wanted to hug him and tell him that everything would be okay and I would always be there for him… but I couldn't. I'm not there yet and neither is he. Even sitting in a booth quietly with him gave me butterflies because of those quick glances we shared.

Now how do I deal with Jake? I kept looking at the door thinking he would show up and I'm not sure if I'm disappointed he didn't or if I'm relieved he didn't. In a way I wanted him there because it's almost a road block for me and Eli but I guess that's the same reason I don't want him there. How do you stop those feelings?

And the worst part of all of this… I caught my mother coming home at 5am from a date with Jake's dad! So now what do I do? It's going to be like "fun" with my brother! Eww! How can my mother be dating again? It hasn't even been a few months… she's already remodeling the house and seeing other men and coming home at all hours of the night/morning. It's like she's the teenager… I miss Darcy at these times. She would know what to do. It feels like all I have is my faith and even that's wavering at times. Does Jesus believe in divorce?

"I can't explain this feeling… I think about it every day and even though we've moved on… it gets so hard to walk away…"

Walking Away,

Clare Edwards


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

To Whom It May Concern,

She said yes. She walked with me. She listened as I explained… Everything! I'm still in shock. She didn't say much but I didn't expect her to. I'm amazed by the fact that she actually gave me the time of day and didn't just turn me down in fear or hatred.

I respect that she's with someone else. I told her that; however it doesn't mean I have to like it or accept it when he flaunts it in my face like earlier today. What was that? You need to hold onto her to get a pop? Thankfully I have great friends who love to distract me with comic book drama so all that anger is able to diminish and only a smile is left… for her.

Adam is the greatest friend a guy could ask for. He sees through all of my crazy emotions and understands the turmoil that I feel at times… maybe it's because he's transgendered or maybe it's because he's just that cool but I would never tell him that. His head would swell so big, there would be no talking to him after that! But I'm really happy he's there… and I'm happy he found someone who finally accepts him and likes him for him. It shows that anything can happen if you use your heart and believe. Maybe I should try that… not with Clare though. She has someone and she's happy and I don't want to disrupt that. I don't want her to go back to hating me.

Things are better at home. Bullfrog decided that I could finally have the door to my room back. It only took me begging and pleading but he gave me back a door… even if it doesn't have a knob. There's a start and it allows me to drown out my thoughts in music once again without bothering anyone. Like the doc says… one day at a time. I just have to keep pushing and moving forward. I still haven't pushed myself to talk to Imogen yet… maybe that's my next step. We'll see…

"Life throws you curves, but you learned to swerve. Me? I swung and I missed. And the next thing you know I'm reminiscing… dreaming on dreams… wishing on wishes… like you would be back again."

Raining Tear Drops,

Eli Goldsworthy


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"Hey Imogen, do you have a minute?" It was 8am and I waited by the front steps in hopes she would finally pass by. I needed to get this over with or else it might eat me inside… can't have that.

"Hi Eli, what can I help you with? Need me to play dress up again?" She was snarky but I deserved that. I really hurt her. "Or maybe you need to tell me how I mean nothing to you again?" I looked down as she spoke… remembering that day.

"Listen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I was in a bad place but I'm doing better and I would really like us to be friends…" She looked up into my eyes and softened a bit, "just friends though… at least for right now." She straightened up and glared behind me. I turned to see Clare looking at us and then looking away as she walked into the school. "This has nothing to do with Clare. I don't need a girlfriend right now. I need a friend and I'd like to show you what a good friend I can be… especially since I sucked at it really bad before. What do you say?"

"Okay Eli Goldsworthy. We can try again." She narrowed her eyes at me, "Friends. " Then she turned and walked away and I was left with an uneasy feeling but I let it go… She said friends.

I walk into the building and see Clare waiting at my locker. Color me shocked… but pleased. "Good morning."

"Morning Eli. I read your journal entry last night." She looked down as she spoke.

"And what did you think?" I urged her to look up, "I mean the purpose of this was to write how we feel and have our partner critique it… so critique away."

"I just wanted to say… anything can happen if you use your heart and believe and maybe…" She started stuttering and turning a quiet shade of pink.

"Maybe…" I pushed her a little, hoping she would finish her sentence.

"Maybe we could take things really, really slow and see what happens?" I was taken aback and not really sure how to respond.

"What about Jake? I mean I'm sort of into girls so… I don't think he would fit in the equation." I laughed as she smacked me on the arm and finally smiled for the morning.

"He doesn't have anything to do with…" She had a way of not finishing her sentences, so I urged on…

"With?"

"Us."

And that was all she said before she turned and left me there standing in awe and confusion. What just happened? Did I read her journal entry right? Didn't she want Jake around?

"Hey Eli!" I turn around to see Fiona standing by my locker and then two seconds later Adam with his arm slung around her.

"Hey guys just had the weirdest convo with Clare and Imogen."

"At the same time?" Adam piped up.

"No… no… It was Imogen first. Told her I was sorry and we should be friends and she said ok… in her Imogen way. And then Clare just basically told me not to give up on us. It's definitely been a weird morning… Never coming to school early again!"

"I told you this place will drive you nuts! I mean its school… it's built to send you crazy! Look at all the hot girls…" Adam laughed as Fiona hit him in the gut and I just shook my head.

"Eli… remember what the doctor said…" Fiona reminded me.

"One day at a time. I remember. See you guys in English." I walk away from my friends thinking about Clare's face as she spoke about us and then seeing Imogen's face as she said friends. Oh no. This can't be good… on any level.

* * *

><p>"Ok. So I told him… that there's a slight chance he can possibly think about us…" I bit my lip as I whispered this Alli. We usually sat together in the computer lab during our study break… right before my English class with Eli… and today was no different.<p>

"So obviously you've had memory loss within the last few hours?" She turned to me and shook my shoulders, "Remember Eli! And all that he's done to you! How can you forget that?"

I shrug her off, "Yeah, well remember Johnny! And all that he's done to you! Hello! He texted your naked self to EVERYONE!" I huff until Alli hugs me.

"Ok Clare… I get it. You love him. But you also have to think of yourself and if you're ready for round 2." She hugged me while I thought about it.

"I think I am" I sighed into her shoulder. "Jake is great but…"

"He isn't Eli… I know."

"I'm sorry I brought up the sexting… it's just… "I pulled back and looked at my best friend, "You forgave Johnny after he hurt you… I want to do that with Eli. It hurts being with him and hurts even more being without him… especially when he's back to the witty guy I met when he crushed my glasses."

"But Clare is he going to stay that guy? Or is this just for now?"

* * *

><p>And there was her point and question I couldn't answer…<p>

I walked into English class thinking things were going to be weird… and I was right. She was sitting there already working on her assignment and I wanted to say hi but… I felt a bit of a frost coming off of her… so instead… I just barely bumped her so she would know I was here and just took my seat in front of her.

"Eli." She breathed… Oh no.

"Hey Clare, are you okay? You seem… different from this morning?"

"Yeah… I was just working…" She bit her lip, "And thinking about stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Us… and You." Oh no. I know where she's going and I know this isn't good already.

"Okay. What about?"

"It's just that… after everything… I'm not sure whether or not to trust that you've changed. I just don't know if you will go back to how you were when you were on stage or if you'll be the way you were when we were laying in a hammock together and you read to me." A slight pink hit her cheeks as the memories of that night flooded their minds.

"Just so you know… I remember that night too…" I reached for her hand and lightly skimmed my fingers on it, "Every single part of that night and your cheeks were just as pink as they are now." She blushed full red and put her head down. She pulled her hair down to cover her face so that no one was able to see. "I want to be that guy for you Clare, but I also want to be that guy for me. I'm not going to try to prove it to you because that would put me back to where I was but I am going to show you that I'm different and you'll see for yourself." With that I turned around in my seat and smiled knowing that she understood and appreciated that… and I finally felt… sane.


End file.
